Les Bonnes Choses

It has come to my attention that some people are woefully ignorant of the commonlaw practice of yoink. 'Yoink', for the uninitiated, is the phrase, accepted in most Western jurisdictions, that legitimizes certain classes of theft that are about to be perpetrated. For example, a tray of cookies sits on a table for a meeting that has not yet begun. You enter the room, full of witnesses. A cookie, l'objet du désir, has not been offered. Declaring 'yoink' as you grab a cookie allows you to escape the consequences that would normally follow such a blatant theft.

I have personally confirmed from Pat that this practice extends as far Southwest as California, and from Jeff that yoinking is also practiced at least as far Northeast as Montreal. I have yet to verify whether it is also practiced along the Eastern seaboard, or indeed in Europe, though because of the similarities between our legal systems, I would not be surprised to find the yoink practiced in Western Europe.

It is important to note the specific exclusions provided in yoink commonlaw. First, kidnapping cannot be legitimized by a yoink. Babies, can be yoinked for a short period of time, but only if the yoinked child is kept in the same room as its parent (the yoinking of an infant who has just filled its diaper is, in fact, welcome). The charge of grand theft also supersedes yoink commonlaw, and thus vehicles, jewellery, and other high-value items are also not typically subject to yoinking.

This concludes today's expert legal advice column. Be sure to read next week's column to learn how "woob-woob-woob" in the voice of Larry Fine allows one to avoid the charge of reckless endangerment that would otherwise follow the execution of dangerous stunts.