Les Bonnes Choses

I begin by presenting the price per ounce of a number of liquids, gathered from various sources on the internet:

• Molten gold: $1016.20 per ounce


• LSD: $120 per ounce


• Inkjet ink: $40 per ounce


• Human blood: $11.83 per ounce


• Soy sauce: $.12 per ounce


• Chocolate syrup: $.10 per ounce

My final bill from Rogers came in the mail yesterday. It sat, opened and exposed to the elements, on my dining room table for part of the day. I had noticed by bedtime that the heading on the page had become smudged. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it occurred to me this morning to take a closer look at the bill whereupon I saw every indication that the bill I was holding was printed out on an inkjet printer.

Now, if you go into any Staples/Office Depot/whatever, and ask for help selecting a printer, the nice young man with the popped collar and frosted tips will ask what you need it for. If you were to say something like, "oh, I just want to print off some pictures and maybe directions from the internet", then you might be directed to any number of nice inexpensive inkjet printers. If, on the other hand, you said, "oh, I run a multimillion dollar telecommunication company and need to send multipage bills to a hundred thousand households," well, the store associate will either advise you to purchase a high-volume laser printer, or else MacGyver the machines to print in human blood, which, as you can see from the list above, would result in a 75% savings over the lifespan of the printer. It might be more appropriate, too. Damn leeches.