Les Bonnes Choses

I pass by an obscene number of billboards during my commute from Ontario to Illinois. Few are noteworthy or memorable. I mean, there's the Lion's Den ADULT SUPERSTORE at exits 105, 18 and somewhere else. I'm not sure why that series of billboards sticks out. I think it might be a combination of the CAPS LOCK, and that it seems like you're never more than an hour from one of their fine showrooms. I've never been, if that's what you're thinking. Pervert.

There are some individual billboards that stand out, however. More than just navigational landmarks, they've become almost like friends. The round bologna billboard reassures me I didn't miss the turn-off on to the 69 southbound. I'm much more willing to give bologna another try as a result. There's a dental surgeon somewhere near Flint. I can't remember his name, but I sure as hell remember his face. Imagine if Vincent Price had decided to become a dentist. He promises your dental work will be painless. Judging by the mug on the billboard, it's because his dental work is done after you've been killed and served with a side of potatoes, and involves removing your teeth so it will be harder to identify your skeleton.

And finally, today I took in a little more of a billboard for a vasectomy clinic -- I want to say it's near Owosso, or maybe Oshtemo? I think it starts with an 'O'. It's a pretty busy billboard. They get their basic message across despite the clutter with a pretty clear graphic of a sperm cell with a red circle and line running through it. No sperm, see? But if you read more carefully, you're in for a treat. They have a promotion: treat one side and the other side is free! I can see how this maybe makes sense for laser eyesight correction. Many people, myself included, have one eye that's worse than the other. Conceivably, one might have just one eye that needs correction. Or maybe get just one eye corrected and wear a contact in the other eye while they save up for a second round of surgery. Now, I don't want to have to explain this because one or both of us might end up embarrassed, but the idea of maybe treating only one side doesn't translate very well to vasectomies.

"I was wondering, if I come in for a treatment, could my buddy Dan come in for the second treatment?"